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15 Hotels Not Suitable for Children

Among the most popular inquiries we receive here at Tablet is the request for kid-friendly hotels. But there are times when you need a break from the kids — yours, and everyone else’s. Whether you’re in the mood for something R-rated, or you just need a break from the pitter-patter of little feet, we’ve got 15 hotels where kids need not apply.

Twin Farms - boutique hotel in Barnard
Barnard, Vermont
Twin Farms

Ask any born-and-bred Northeasterner; 300 acres of farmland and wilderness is tough to come by. Even Sinclair Lewis knew that, which might be why his farmhouse and a clutch of cottages form the centerpiece of this handsome Vermont homestead. Point is, you’ll largely be left to your own blissful devices, which is Vermontese for “go hiking already.”

Casa Laguna Hotel & Spa - boutique hotel in Orange County
Orange County, California
Casa Laguna Hotel & Spa

Policy helps Casa Laguna’s case immensely: not just adults only, but also double occupancy only, a recipe for blossoming romance in these breezy, pastel parts. It’s a fine thing to keep in back of mind on the way to and from Laguna Beach, not to mention the titular spa. Kids just wouldn’t understand.

Ventana Inn and Spa — Adult Only Resort - boutique hotel in Big Sur
Big Sur, California
Ventana Inn and Spa

An old Tablet favorite and a California must-see in any context, this Big Sur number thankfully makes no bones about its target demographic. This is the kind of resort that gives folks who know what they want exactly what they want: unobstructed views, a mighty population of redwoods, spectacular Californian-meets-Mediterranean cuisine, and a suite of spa treatments worthy of even the most marquee guestlist. (Save this one for the fall — Highway 1 is closed through September due to storm damage.)

Sparrows Lodge - boutique hotel in Palm Springs
Palm Springs, California
Sparrows Lodge

Too much mid-century modernist nostalgia can feel a bit overpowering, and Sparrows Lodge skips over the Mad Men–era fantasy in favor of something a little bit more rustic and timeless. It’s a bit like summer camp, from the adventurous activities to the toasted marshmallows, but it’s just for you and your fellow grown-ups, with nary a child in sight.

The Wauwinet - boutique hotel in Nantucket
Nantucket, Massachusetts
The Wauwinet

How Nantucket can a Nantucket hotel get? None more Nantucket than the Wauwinet, the Platonic form of the upscale seaside New England escape. Privacy and seclusion rank highly among the Wauwinet’s virtues; stay in the inn for the complete adults-only experience, and rent a boat to arrive at Topper’s restaurant in style.

Hotel La Semilla - boutique hotel in Playa del Carmen
Playa del Carmen, Mexico
Hotel La Semilla

Say what you will about B&Bs: they still serve marvelously to insulate nuzzling couples from prying eyes, especially when a high-design dream team breaks off to execute their vision in Playa del Carmen. This is purposeful quirk, small and singular enough in scale to etch itself in your memory as a necessary stop down the road. The little place you know near the beach, where no one will bother you.

Stonefield Estate Resort  - boutique hotel in Soufriere
Soufriere, St. Lucia
Stonefield Estate Resort

Beaches are nice, but it would be a shame to skimp on the mind-blowing panoramas in St. Lucia’s dramatic, green-clad mountains (or do both, we’re not in the business of making rules). This converted plantation now plays host to a series of impossibly charming cottages, each a testament to the restorative powers of low-tech hospitality and bracing mountain air.

Cap Rocat - boutique hotel in Mallorca
Mallorca, Spain
Cap Rocat

Mallorca may not be the first place that springs to mind when you think “let’s go somewhere we can be alone,” but we can almost guarantee this part of Mallorca defies the stereotype: owing to its history as a decommissioned military base, the property has remained mostly undeveloped and blessed with peerless views of the bay. Now repeat that sentence to the nearest child and watch their eyes glaze over. See what we’re saying?

Domes Noruz Chania - boutique hotel in Crete
Crete, Greece
Domes Noruz Chania

Crete alone is a compelling prospect for most, let alone a bedroom that opens directly onto the beach, a jacuzzi, or a plunge pool. Some of the finer things in life take a lifetime to appreciate, after all: a smart, luxury concern on the edge of town, vivid in palette and geometrically self-assured, flawlessly perched where land and sea carry on their eternal negotiations.

Bela Vista Hotel & Spa  - boutique hotel in Algarve
Algarve, Portugal
Bela Vista Hotel & Spa

Yes, even in the Algarve one can find blessed alone time, all the better for reverently renovated hilltop manors like Bela Vista. The accommodating service and fascinating interior design quirks — two philosophies we’re decidedly behind — add up to a deliriously pleasurable stay, though perhaps not ideal if you’ve got a time limit (what’s to stop you from tacking a few extra days on at the end?).

Casa Angelina Lifestyle Hotel - boutique hotel in Amalfi Coast
Amalfi Coast, Italy
Casa Angelina Lifestyle Hotel

What else is wasted on the (very) young? How about Amalfi Coast vistas and airy, clean, white-on-white design? Set yourself up poolside to drink and drink in, without a care in the world beyond making sure your phone is fully charged for your sunset pics. There are places in the world where the eye has no choice but to behold the astoundingly beautiful.

Jusandi - boutique hotel in Ishigaki Island
Ishigaki Island, Japan
Jusandi

Hard to believe it’s still Japan, this close to Taiwan, but that ends up fostering a best-of-both-worlds scenario: exquisite, minimalist Japanese design meets dense sub-tropical jungle vistas. Just five rooms, too, meaning hardly a thing will intrude on your meditative appreciation for Norihito Dan’s singular architectural genius. You wouldn’t have gotten it when you were younger, and that’s the point.

The Bale - boutique hotel in Bali
Nusa Dua, Indonesia
The Bale

As in balé, a traditional Balinese pavilion, perfect for the social-butterfly types looking to mix and mingle in this hotel’s bubbly public spaces. There’s space, time, and privacy to stretch and relax, in other words, on the daybed or in your private pool, blessedly free of any company you’d rather not entertain.

Qualia- boutique hotel in Great Barrier Reef Islands
Great Barrier Reef Islands, Australia
Qualia

Qualia gets the formula perfect: set up shop at the northern tip of Hamilton Island with a private peninsula, construct a group of luxury villas in touch with the surrounding jungle, and let creative guests figure it out from there. Whether you’re an explorer, a hedonist, a fitness guru, a dedicated amorist, or all of the above, you’ll find the facilities suited to your every whim.

Ilha de Toque Toque - boutique hotel in São Sebastião
São Sebastião, Brazil
Ilha de Toque Toque

Another thing kids won’t get: why leave the action in São Paulo for a sleepy seashore getaway? Never mind explaining it, just go. Terraces, hammocks, and hot tubs, what’s not to love? Do what you must to make it here and do what you want. Which may be nothing at all — the sooner, the better.

While all of these hotels are recommended for adults only, some will allow older children under certain circumstances. Please contact customerservice@tablethotels.com for assistance.

Conversation

  • Little Palm Island
    The keys. Florida USA
    Is another great adult only resort

    Ami MilanoJune 17th, 2017
     
  • Jamaica Inn in Ocho Rios is a beautiful and private Inn directly on the beach with 47 suites and old English service.

    H DukeJune 17th, 2017
     
  • Il Cannito – Paestum, Italy

    Maura WJune 17th, 2017
     
  • Mi Amor Boutique hotel in Tulum, Mexico is heaven on Earth. Splurge on an ocean front plunge pool room for a view of just turquoise water.

    Betsy SchatkoJune 18th, 2017
     
  • From the port and s’mores on a bonfire while you tobaggan down a tiny snow slope
    To fireplaces in every room. You want red wine? Just go grab a bottle and we had a stags leap Cabernet. Of our choice while we played pool
    In summer you take the wooden boat to The small island in the middle of the lake for cocktails And you dress for dinner
    All is prepaid you never unzip your pocket
    This is where I would go for my next weekend of romance…where stars fill the sky
    And love is all that matters

    the point in the lake placid sara Mac areaJune 24th, 2017
     
  • you missed all adult resorts in Poconos Pa

    pocono palace on beautiful lake

    and unique room amenities

    and not just for honeymooners

    all adult

    harvJune 25th, 2017
     
  • I’m a single woman (57 yrs old) & would appreciate recommendations for adult only hotels not just for couples.

    Thanks!

    PamJune 26th, 2017
     

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