New York is a city that inspires strong opinions. And while around here we tend to stay pretty positive — we do love all of our hotels, after all — we’re aware that many of them are not for everyone. Here, organized by personality type, are the New York hotels that are most likely to push your buttons.
Despise craft coffee, analog audio, and attractive, interesting young people? Probably best to go ahead and delete the Ace Hotel from your address book right now.
Does the mere possibility of revelry make you instinctively reach for your earplugs, eye mask and Ambien? Do yourself a favor and don’t go anywhere near the rocking Gansevoort Meatpacking (especially the rooftop).
If you preferred the Lower East Side gritty, grotty and genuinely physically dangerous, you’ll want nothing to do with the Ludlow‘s buzzing social spaces and light-filled retro-chic bedrooms.
Prefer your hotels as buttoned-up as the Pope’s vestments? Then you’ll want to steer well clear of the voyeuristic, exhibitionistic, positively beautiful-people-infested Standard High Line.
Rather your hotel were decorated in inoffensive watercolors than the likes of Schnabel, Basquiat and Warhol? Come mealtime, prefer Oscar Meyer to Danny Meyer? The Gramercy Park Hotel, we’re sorry to say, is not the hotel for you.
Like your high-rise hotels penned in by other high-rises, to maximize that claustrophobic feeling? You’ll find the upper floors of the Hotel on Rivington, with their views over the downtown rooftops, feel a bit too airy for your taste.
Still haven’t forgiven the French for their dirty dealings at sea in the Quasi-War of the 1790s? Then you’re better off pretending you’ve never even heard of the NoMad, Jacques Garcia’s deeply romantic Parisian fantasy on Broadway.
Feel offended by bright colors? Prefer your interiors monochrome and minimal? Simply distraught at the thought of fresh produce grown in the garden of a LEED-certified luxury hotel? Time to cross Crosby Street off your list.
Somehow not a fan of the Greenwich‘s celebrity owner? Just can’t deal with hand-crafted luxury-boutique interiors? Too paleo to enjoy delicious family-style Italian food at Locanda Verde? Do yourself a favor and give this one a miss.
If you simply can’t abide sailors, portholes, nautical-themed décor, views of the Hudson river and all things, well, maritime, then you’ll want to give the Maritime a wide berth indeed.
Nostalgic for the Fifties, when preparing a bath in a SoHo loft involved chopping up discarded shipping pallets for firewood? You’re likely to find life in the new-fangled Mercer a bit plush for your tastes.
Wish every historic structure could be torn down and replaced with condos? No appetite for the rich, vintage-inspired design sense of Roman and Williams? Take a pass on the High Line Hotel.
Fed up with fashionistas, foodies, and anyone or anything cool? Then you can strike the chic Marlton from your map of Lower Manhattan — this stretch of Greenwich Village is a no-go zone.
Like to be tucked in at eight p.m., with a warm glass of milk by the bedside? Got an allergy to Philippe Starck’s theatrical design sense? The Hudson, we’re sorry to inform you, is likely to be a poor fit.
Think the art world lost its way sometime around Impressionism? Can’t stand hobnobbing with an international crowd of artists, gallerists and collectors? You’ll have real problems with Hotel Americano, Grupo Habita’s Chelsea outpost.
Think the bankers belong in jail, not a stylish Hyatt-owned high-end luxury boutique hotel? You’ll be deeply offended by the luxe, glamorous, and always festive Andaz Wall Street.
No use at all for anything east of the East River? Deep aversion to brick walls and rehabbed industrial spaces? You’d do well to pretend there’s no such thing as the Paper Factory Hotel.
Take your ultra-luxe comforts and world-beating service with a side of archaic, antique architecture? Safe to say the brand-new Park Hyatt New York is bound to rub you the wrong way.